Life is too short

   This week has been an especially trying week. The news of yet another delay was kind of expected, 2 cancer kids I had been following had gone to be with God, Gabbi was super sick, and 9 years ago on October 19th Baby Slade died. I should have known this week of October was gonna suck. It has never been an especially good week for 9 years now. Few that know me know the story, but there are many who do not. Baby Slade was an 18 month old little boy from my hometown that passed away from choking on a screw from a ride-on toy. I loved this little boy so much. I was his babysitter and I watched him grow up, if you can call it growing up in his short life. I remember talking with his mother about what sports he would play when he got older. His family is especially big into baseball but I thought for sure he was gonna play basketball. He loved throwing the ball into the hoop. I don't know why but that is a memory I can't forget. When he died, my life changed. He was not my flesh and blood but for a 17 year old this would be the worst thing to ever happen in my life (or at least I thought it would be until Bella got cancer.) A child that I loved so much was taken so suddenly from this world. And life went on. But I would never forget. This is not something anyone forgets.

~Baby Slade~

 But like I said, life goes on. I got older and each year this week would hit me like a freight train. I am sure its nothing like it does to the family though. Before I knew it I had a family of my own. And from that heartbreak I knew just how short life could be. I always take special care to make sure Bella and Gabbi know just how much I love them. Since before I can remember, whenever I would buckle Bella in her carseat I would always kiss her and tell her I love her, because lets be honest you never know what is going to happen. As she got older she started saying I love you too mommy.

~Love her~

 Now since the cancer has invaded our lives, I probably tell her this at least 10 times a day and you will find her telling me too all on her own. Best feeling in the world. I don't ever want to go a day without telling her this or her telling me. Even though I hate cancer, I am grateful that she was not just taken from me. I am so thankful that I have this time to spend with her, no matter how long or short the time may be. I think about Baby Slade's mom and how he was just ripped away from her without another word. I think about how strong she was and is still to this day. And I'm so glad to have her here while Bella and our family fight this fight. But I never ever ever want to know how she feels. I do not want to lose my child. God listen to me! Please don't take her yet. Let her stay here with me and her father for many years to come. I don't want Gabbi to be an only child. I want her to know her sister, like I know mine. Please God! Hear my prayer.



This journey has taken me many places in such a short time and right now my life is consumed with cancer. It's all I can think about. I can't sleep. I don't sleep. I should be sleeping now as I write this but my brain won't shut off. One good thing about cancer. Yes, there is a good thing and only ONE. It's how people come together. How people I have never met do so much for you. Don't get me wrong, I would trade all of that in for a healthy kid but like I said before positive thinking people. When she was first diagnosed I remember thinking I don't want to know these people. I do not want to become friends with these nurses and doctors and mothers going through a similar experience. But now I am so thankful that I have these people in my life. Especially the moms. They are always there for you. It's like you are in a secret club and can only be invited if your kid has cancer. Sucky, but true. They know what you are going through, have felt what you felt. Thank God for these moms.

Link to the recalled ride-on toys http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml04/04119.html

"The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace." ~ Psalm 29:11