Life as a cancer mom

Today I went to the grocery store while both kids were sleeping and Grandma was there to keep an eye on them. Its nice to get out but sometimes leaving the house has a negative effect on me. I see all these other families living their lives and I start thinking about all the things we want to do with ours and the hopes and dreams we have for our children and I realize how as of right now our life is on hold. We don't know where we will be in 5 years, let alone 2 weeks. Bella was supposed to begin preschool in August. Cancelled. Bella's dance and swim class. Cancelled. Gabbi starting swim. Cancelled. Not to mention doing any normal activities like going to the park or the zoo. Today while Bella napped I decided to take Gabbi to the park. I was that crazy mom we all talk about. I made her keep a binky in so that she couldn't put her hands that were covered in germs in her mouth. I also carried sanitizer wipes in my pocket so I could continuously clean them. Not exactly the kind of park trip I'm used to. Do you know what we did this summer? I sure don't. July, August, September.  All 3 months I vaguely remember. I know that we had plans to buy a water slide, go on vacation and bask in the sun, but in one day that all changed. Even though time still went on for everyone else, our world was halted. While everyone else was bbqing and watching fireworks we were fighting for our child's life. When all my friends went on vacation, I was crying because my daughter had a fever, that resulted in a life threatening infection that required many more days in the hospital. A total of 36 days were spent in the hospital. So much more than any child should ever have to spend there. A little over a year ago my husband got a demotion. Okay I call it a demotion but it really was a promotion. He became what his company calls a product coach. He travels around to 11 stores and helps develop the kitchen staff. It was a very big adjustment to our family. Him not being home every night was very difficult. I was pregnant with Gabbi when he first started and I thought for sure he was gonna miss the birth. Oh the things I used to worry about. If only I could go back to that time. Anyways the reason he took this job was to get him closer to his goal of becoming a managing partner of his own Texas Roadhouse store. We knew going in that it would take around 2 to 3 years and we could be moved anywhere as he oversees stores in AZ, NM, ID, NV, and TX. This was fine then. Now, not so much. I refuse to move to a city without a children's hospital. I want to finish up Bella's treatment and then say good riddance cancer, chemo, doctors, nurses, hospitals and all of those things we know so much about these days. I realize this isn't a possibility. If he gets offered a store of course we will take it but we have some time. I can't imagine doing the job he does. He is out of town more than he is home. Sad but true fact. It was difficult before yes, but it must be 100 times harder now. Imagine not knowing if your child will be here next year and not spending EVERY waking moment with her. I couldn't do it. I had a hard time leaving when she was healthy and now its even that much more difficult. I realize that this cancer has a very high cure rate, but that doesn't change the fact that she could die. It happens. To a lot of kids. Which is why childhood cancer is the #1 killer in kids. She already falls in the 2% of children that don't go into remission after induction and just that simple fact makes her 50% more susceptible to relapsing. But as her doctor likes to say, 10 years ago they weren't even testing for this. We are now and that is why she is getting more chemo, to cut the cancer off at the path.  I hear about other families that have a child with cancer that have no support and friends and family that stop coming around. This is the far from what has happened to us. We have an overabundance of support. People we know and some we don't know or know well have reached out and have done fundraisers or donated money. Others have brought meals or something special for Bella. As we go through this journey we can never say thank you enough for everyone that has or will help us. We are so lucky to have all of you in our lives. As well as having such understanding and caring bosses. Not to mention good insurance! Now if only we could be a little closer to town we would have it made. This is a very long road ahead and one I try not to dwell too much on. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Bella is still doing wonderful. Eating and playing like a normal kid and I love it. I can't get enough of it. We still haven't shaved her head. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm sure it will come to that point when we need to, but for now I'm gonna just wait it out.

"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid." ~Hebrews 13:6

Enjoy some photos from our photoshoot in September.