Anxiety rears it's ugly head!

Anxiety has taken over my sleep! It began about 2 days ago when I just couldn't stop thinking about the what if's. This is something your mind just can't control. It's a natural path it goes down. You of course want to know what comes next and I don't think I have ever wanted to know what happens next more then this. It's so hard not to know. And this is what began the anxiety. Of course I decided to surf the web. Worse idea ever! The first blog I found was written by a father of a girl with A.L.L. She had it, thought it was cured. 5 years later she relapsed and did not make it. So technically she was in the 5 year survival rate of 80%. But still she didn't make it. I tried sleeping after that but couldn't. My brain just wouldn't shut off. What if this happened to Bella? So I continued to search. Next one I found the child also didn't make it. Thankfully 15 or more I found the kids were thought to be cured. Next day we had our first clinic visit. But don't let me fool you, I had already talked to the doctor every day since we went home. We are in a whole new ball game with this disease anything can put her back in the hospital. And the doctor kept reminding me of this. Don't hesitate to call. Call with any questions. So call is what I did. Monday's appointment went... Well it went. She cried through the entire appointment. But who can blame her. She has been through a lot these last few weeks. Her levels were good and ANC was going up. Slowly, but it was going up. Night time arrived again and I was already getting a hard knot in my stomach. I sent my sister a text in which she replied with a bible verse. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things. ~Phil 4:8. In short, God is trying to do something in my life and he is speaking through my anxiety. I must use this time to think of all the good he is doing in my life at this moment. So this is what I did and I slept peacefully. Everyone always mentions how strong I am and how they don't think they could do the same in my position. Believe me when I say this, I would prefer to never be this strong but I have to. I must do this for my child. She needs me. I must be her rock. Just like my Father before me is mine. And I believe that anyone else in my position would be just a strong. It's just something that comes naturally to us as mothers. Because no one else can do what we do. Today we had to again go to the clinic. This was a sick visit. She cried through the whole visit again. They believe she has hand foot and mouth. There is not treatment except Tylenol. We hope she will get better with no ill effects from her treatment. We will go back on Thursday for another round of chemo. Thanks again to everyone for everything.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good". ~Romans 12:21