Before that bad word entered our lives!

Before cancer, I worried about the little things. A cold, a fever, the flu, or a rash. I would complain on Facebook when my kid was sick and how it was an inconvenience to our lives. Now any one of these things could be life threatening to Bella.  I wish more than anything I could go back to that time. When it was an inconvenience. I wish I could continue being oblivious, thinking something like this could never happen to us. But we can't. We can never go back. Whether she is cured or becomes an angel, either way me and my family will always be affected by the worst word in the world besides death, cancer. No one wants to hear this word used in a sentence pointed toward you or your family. Especially not your child. Recently in a cancer group of moms that I am in, there was a slight debacle about the use of the F word. Before cancer, I would use this word but not often because I had babies and I didn't want them using this word. Now when I use this word, I can tell you it is almost always directed toward cancer. Because cancer sucks! Someone once said they couldn't think of any nice word to describe cancer. I couldn't agree more. For now on the only bad word that matters to me is the word that invaded and changed our lives forever. Cancer. 

~Like father like daughter~

Last night I was lying in bed thinking how hard it must be for Bella. She is the one fighting this. The one dealing with all the pokes, drugs, side effects. I decided last night that I needed to wear my big girl panties and suck it up. No matter what my issues are, hers are always gonna be worse than mine. Yes I may have to drive her to every appointment, sleep on an uncomfortable couch and deal with her extra crabbiness and craziness. But you know what, I wouldn't give it up for anything. I will be here for her forever, no matter what she needs. Because she is the one fighting this fight and she needs me to always be in her corner. To be there for her when she needs some turkey in the middle of the night or rice and beans from Filibertos. I'm here. That's what I always tell her when she is hurting. The best thing about that is she knows it. When I'm hurting she will tell me I'm here mommy. I love when she tells me this. It warms my heart knowing that yes she is here with us.

~Bubble Run~

This week has been a good week for her. After escaping as I call it from the hospital Friday we haven't done much of anything. She did start developing a few mouth sores on Sunday but they never really bothered her. Except when eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Not sure why that would bother them but every time she ate one she would cry and tell me that the peanut butter and jelly hurt her :( she has gone through about 10 packages of turkey and bag of baby belle cheese. I'm just glad she is eating. After losing close to 2 pounds she gained all of it back plus 8 ounces according to her clinic visit on Tuesday.

~Dressing herself~

Her numbers were fantastic and for the first time in many months she was no longer neutropenic. I was pretty shocked. I even asked them if they double checked these numbers it was that good. 3200. Seriously it is 3200. We go back to the clinic next tuesday for a counts check. If she clears we will go inpatient for #2 of our 4 scheduled in patient stays for this 8 week treatment phase. This week Bella got a special treat. Her dance instructor offered to give her private lessons since right now she still can't be around other children. She loved it. Even though she was a little clingy with mommy and made me dance with her we still had some fun.

~Dancing away~

As you guys know, we shaved Bella's head last week. We had a photographer here so that we could document the moment. Visit her FB page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/BLudington-Photography/168465623204286?fref=ts to see a special that she is running where all proceeds go to Bella.  Overall it went really well. Surprisingly, the adjustment was not that difficult. I think the hardest part was just coming to terms with how now she really does looks sick. When we go in public people definitely stare more. The only time she even mentioned her hair was the next morning when she woke up and looked in the mirror and touched her head and said my hair is gone. That was it. It amazes me how strong she is. And reminds me about the things in life that are frivolous.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking that everything is awful because the of the cancer. Because really it has actually made our lives better. Now don't get me wrong, I would never wish this upon anyone nor do I want Bella to have cancer. But since we were dealt this hand, we are trying to take it in stride. We have met so many wonderful people and had so much support. We are realizing what is important in our lives. Family. Its the most important thing. We don't sweat the little things anymore. We take advantage of the time we have together because we don't know when that time will end and they are only young for so long. Who knows how long they will actually want to play with us. And now I feel like I actually have a purpose in life. I want to reach people and make them aware of Childhood Cancer. I hate hearing that childhood cancer is too sad, so people don't want to hear about it. Well it happens and people need to know about it.

~Swinging life away~

Recently we had a Scentsy fundraiser where proceeds went to Bella and we got a whole bunch of free product. Now I love me some Scentsy, but I don't need any. We decided that instead we would use our free product and purchase Scentsy buddies (they are stuffed animals that come with a scent) and donate all of them to the hospital. They are always in need of toys, coloring books, crayons and etc. In addition to that I boxed up many of the things we received for Bella and will also be donating them. To be honest we have so much stuff and are so fortunate to receive so much that I want to be able to share the wealth. I really wish that it didn't take cancer  for me to learn about the hospital and its workings. But now that I know, I will always be looking for ways to help. So now that Christmas is approaching, the hospital needs more stuff than ever. So if anyone feels like donating some new coloring books, toys, crayons or anything, please let me know. $20 can go along way with stickers, toys, coloring books, play-doh.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~ John 14:27