5 months crap-a-versary

It's been 5 months today since our world was turned upside down. It seems like just yesterday Leo and I were discussing how pale she looked the Sunday before we got the call. How I jokingly said to Leo "what if she has cancer?" Not knowing that only a short 24 hours later would we find out the she did indeed have cancer. But then it seems like forever ago since I saw my little girls carefree smile. I can't even remember what it looked like before it was tainted with cancer, doctors, nurses, pokes and chemo. I don't even remember what our life was like before. When she hears me talking about a doctor, any doctor she immediately starts questioning me if she has to get a poke. When I tell her no (because I do alot if she doesn't have to get her finger poked) she asks if they are gonna poke her port. What 3 year old should know this? NONE! When I again tell her no she continues asking me like 20 times to make sure that we are indeed not getting any pokes. Now if she does have to get a poke or have her port accessed, I do not lie, but I really wish I could.

~Loves her hats~

 In just 5 months, our life has done a complete 180. I can tell you what I do remember. I remember getting the call at 3am. I remember the pajamas she was wearing. Green and blue froggy's. She hasn't worn em since that day and I doubt she ever will again. I doubt Gabbi will wear them either. It brings back to many memories. I remember loading the kids in the car debating which hospital to take her too. I remember calling Leo, my mom and sister. Making plans for all of them to meet at the hospital. Leo flying, my mom driving 3 hours from Show Low and Jess from Peoria. I remember every nurse she has ever had. Out of these 5 months we have spent 50 days in the hospital. That is 49 more days that I have spent away from Gabbi vs Bella. Poor Gabbi. At times I'm really glad she is a baby so she doesn't quite understand. But then I think, she is only a baby! I am missing out on so much. It sucks to be torn. But I know I'm doing what's right it's just hard to have to choose.

~Showing off her hat~

 In these 5 months, Bella has had 8 blood and 7 platelets transfusions. 4 IVIG and 1 albumin transfusion. A major surgery. 8 Spinal taps and 4 bone marrow aspirations with anesthesia. 3 ct scans. An EKG. 3 X-rays. 2 ultrasounds. More labs and antibiotics then I can even keep count of anymore. 8 different types of chemo. And we aren't even half way through treatment yet. Lets just all hope and pray that when we reach maintenance (which we are predicting will be in early April) that we will have minimal issues and she can live somewhat like a normal kid. Just one who takes chemo on a daily basis for a few years. Its funny when I go back and read the blogs I have wrote. It seems like such a long time ago and it doesn't even feel like I wrote them. I read them and I think this couldn't possibly be what happened to us, what is going on in our daily lives. And then I see my mistakes. Medical terms I had written. That I was still learning, that I wrote down wrong.  Like the difference between red and white blood cells. And accessing her port vs reactivating. All the things I now will never forget or get confused again in, these 5 short months.

~Playing outside~

 Bella is doing really well this week. Playing, eating, drinking, not behaving. All normal 3 year old behavior. We love seeing her so happy, but we know that right below the surface is the cancer and things can change in the blink of an eye. Thanksgiving was uneventful. We stayed home and cooked a turkey with the girls as a family. We didn't want to risk anyone getting sick by going to anyone else's house.

~The girls enjoying Thanksgiving~

 This will probably be the same for Christmas. We just can't risk it right now when she is still in front line treatment. This year though Bella has really begun showing interest in all things Christmas! She loves all the lights, asking constantly to bake cookies and decorate them, and really loved creating her own gingerbread house. We will decorate the tree next weekend after this inpatient stay. No real ones anymore because they aren't safe. The standing water creates mold and are super dangerous to Bella. If her counts continue to be good, we will try visiting the Zoo lights. We went last year but I think this year she will thoroughly enjoy it all the more.

~Bella's Gingerbread House~

 We head to the clinic at 3pm today for counts check. If she clears we will be at the hospital bright and early Tuesday morning at 7am for another Lumbar Puncture and the start of her 3rd round of 24 hour high dose methotrexate. Let's pray she passes the chemo just as well as the other 2 times and handles the anesthesia just as well.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." -Romans 12:12 

~She LOVES to paint nails especially daddy's ~