Sometimes...

Sometimes I try and think back to the pre-cancer days. Even though it was only 5 months ago, I literally cannot remember what life was like. I know that I worked, worried about money and what was for dinner. My life was for a better word, boring. Now I care for my kids and husband while worrying about the what if's of cancer.

Sometimes when we are at the store I see people staring and I forget why. Why are these people staring at us I wonder? And then it hits me, duh my daughter is bald, wearing a masking. Who wouldn't stare. Recently I got a red light ticket making a left hand turn. Biggest hassle ever. In my defense I was going to a clinic visit for Bella and it was raining. Now if you have ever lived in Phoenix you know what awful drivers there are here, especially in the rain and that day was no exception. Its not like i intentionally ran the light. I was in the intersection except it was raining and the cars were stopped. So anyways I get notification in the mail of my ticket. Being unlawful I decided I was going to ignore it and wait till they serve me, all the while having no intention of opening the door when they came. I told everyone DO NOT OPEN the door. What does my husband do when the doorbell rang even though I told him not to answer it because it was most likely them to serve me. He answers. It's like there was an invisible force making him answer the door. I was P O'ed with him. So anyways, I paid the ticket. I didn't want to fight it and who cares about the points on my record. I don't. Yep, big mistake. A week or so later after paying it, I get a letter in the mail. Apparently in AZ if you pay a red light driving ticket the MVD, not the courts,  requires that you take a 8 hour traffic survival school that you must attend in person. If you don't register within 15 days they suspend your license. I thought I was mad at my husband for answering the door then, man was I even more mad now. Of course I get this notice the day before thanksgiving so there is no dealing with it till the following week. So to make a long story short, I was able to email the judge and have them change the disposition of the ticket so that now I am able to take a defensive driving course which I can do online and get my money back from the courts. The plus of having a kid with cancer is you can always use that card. And seriously I wouldn't have even been there if she didn't.

If Bella didn't have cancer I never would have all this excitement. But sometimes it still makes me wonder why it happened to us. What did we do to deserve this? I feel like the devil said eenie meanie minie moe who wants cancer today? And our family was the unlucky one that was chosen. Regardless, I still want to know why. How come it didn't happen to someone else? The hardest thing for me lately is just seeing and hearing about other families living normal lives with their healthy kids. That's all I want and they have it. I'm so envious and frustrated as why it was us and not them. I don't want to be in this all inclusive cancer club.

Sometimes all the time I think about relapse. It is so real in our lives and unfortunately happens more often than not. The down side of being in a support group is you hear about these children that do. And all I can think is please God don't let this be us. Let us finish up these 2+ years of treatment and let us never hear those words uttered to us. Stupid cancer that takes so much from so many people and their families. Recently I had someone tell me it was just too hard for them to deal with Bella's cancer and that they just couldn't handle it. While I totally get that, I also can't help but think how selfish this is. This is about Bella and her fight with cancer, not how hard it is for YOU. I think that you should be there no matter how you feel and just suck it up and think about Bella and what she is going through. Its unfortunate because I believe this is why childhood cancer is so under funded because it is sad, too sad and some people just do not know how to deal with it.




Bella has had yet another wonderful week. Everyday we walk (Bella rides her bike) to the mailboxes to see what she got that day.

Even though we totally do not need ANYTHING else, I still apply for things because she loves it and it truly keeps her spirits high. I then usually try to donate to the organization because I know there are so many other fighters out there less fortunate than us.  This week she has received a ton of stuff. From the Jesse Reese Foundation, Eileen's True Hope project, Team Keegan's Prize box, Chemo Angels, and Pillowcases for patients. All wonderful organizations dedicated to our children battling diseases. 

 After the mailboxes she makes us go to the park and run around in the grass. By that time it is getting dark cuz you know at 5:30 it is dark now. Then she makes us walk around the neighborhood to see all the Christmas lights. We will hopefully being going to Zoo lights this weekend. She has been talking none stop about it for 2 weeks every time she sees it dark outside. Since her counts are so good I figure we will take full advantage and do whatever we can. Tuesday we had her clinic appointment. All her counts are great. ANC was 1400.

 Thursday she got to have another private dance lesson. Her best friend Tatum was able to join her since Bella's counts were so wonderful and Tatum wasn't sick. They had so much fun dancing together. Big special thanks to Katie and Sarah for making it happen!

I'm trying to enjoy this awesome break before her next phase. The next one is bound to have an impact on her. Intense rounds of chemo, low counts and most likely a few transfusions will be needed as well. I am just glad that we don't start this new phase until after Christmas so that she can fully enjoy the holidays being almost a 100%. We are back at the hospital on Tuesday for our last scheduled inpatient stay, but that's not to say we won't ever be back because I am sure we will be because that is just how lucky we are.

Be the voice for children by sharing and watching. It may be long, but its the truth and people need to be AWARE!

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."~ Ephesians 4:32